In 2014, my husband and I separated after he violently assaulted me. I was only working part-time and had no place to stay, so I ended up sofa-surfing with a friend or staying with my mother, although our relationship was unstable. Since I shared custody of our two children with him, it was challenging to find a living arrangement where we could all be together.
In 2017, while I was in Jamaica for a family funeral, I discovered that my husband had filed for full custody of the children. I had only two days to prepare before the court hearing. He claimed that I had fled the country and abandoned our shared tenancy.
CAFCASS (children and family court advisory and support service) conducted a report that favored me, but I was informed that I couldn’t receive legal aid to fight the case, and hiring my own lawyer was financially impossible. As a result, temporary custody was granted to my husband because I didn’t have a place to live, and he hadn’t been violent towards the children. Nevertheless, I still planned to regain custody once I had stable housing.
My ex-husband did everything possible to intimidate me. He sent death threats and claimed that he had people watching me. I became fearful of leaving the house. I remember one incident when I thought he was following me, so I reported it to the police. However, that incident made me reluctant to go out again. He was an extremely aggressive person, and all of us were afraid of him. The children’s center referred me to victim support, and they provided me with a panic alarm for my safety.
During this time, I was also pregnant from a new relationship. In November 2017, I made a homelessness application to argue for the children to live with me. Since I was fleeing domestic abuse, I was granted priority need, and I was placed in temporary accommodation while the application was processed.
However, my application was eventually denied due to alleged discrepancies in my story regarding why I couldn’t live with my ex-husband anymore. With the help of a housing solicitor, I appealed the decision, but it took until September 2018 for the appeal process to conclude. Throughout that time, I lived in constant uncertainty, residing in a tiny bedsit within a hostel, waiting to be evicted.
Finally, we won the appeal. I was allowed to stay because the council had violated the national strategy on supporting victims of domestic violence. It turned out that they had recorded the dates of the abuse incorrectly and then claimed that I had made the mistake, implying that I was lying. That really angered me.
Currently, I can’t accommodate all three children in my current living situation. My baby is almost three years old, so we still have to meet at my mother’s house or a contact center. The kitchen and bed are in the same room, and the bathroom and washing machine are down the hall.
It’s a mixed-gender environment with people of all ages, offering no privacy at all. The front door latch is always broken, allowing anyone to enter the property. My neighbors smoke and leave cigarette butts and empty alcohol bottles near my baby’s pram in the hallway because I can’t fit it into my room.
If I were to challenge for custody, the court would evaluate my living conditions and my ability to care for the children. Clearly, in this situation, I am unable to provide a suitable home for them. Besides, I would need legal aid to proceed, which is currently out of reach. I can’t even afford Wi-Fi here. I don’t want my children to see these living conditions. I’m just hoping to secure a house where I can have the children with me, but that could take years due to the lengthy waiting list.
The only other option is to find a private property, but the cost is prohibitive even with housing allowance. I have been cutting back on expenses, eating cheaply, and avoiding unnecessary outings. I genuinely want to work, but it’s complicated with a young child to care for. It would be incredibly important for me to have a stable home, but I need to resolve this situation first.
In the past, I had a career in various fields such as caring for the elderly in the NHS, working as a school administrator, and serving as a family support worker and youth worker. I even obtained a degree in community sector management. There are plenty of possibilities for my future, but I must first secure a home to come back to.
I’ve started opening up more about my experiences. In the past, I would shut down and keep it all to myself, but I’ve realized that it’s important to talk about it. This kind of injustice needs to be exposed because you never know who else might need help. Sometimes, you just need to release the pain. I want to protect myself and raise awareness, even if it means exposing my ex-husband.
I used to be afraid to visit a contact center where he might see me. This is a man who nearly took my life, who brutally assaulted me in my own home. Yet, he is allowed to have custody of our children, despite his attempts to kill me.
I see friends who are in similar abusive relationships, and I fear for their safety. They are so trapped in their situations that they can’t find a way out. I’ve witnessed people lose their lives because of men like my ex-husband. If sharing my story can save even one person or their children, it’s worth it.
Currently, I am receiving support from Women’s Aid and Crisis, where I participated in a course on finding accommodation and maintaining a tenancy. As a result, I applied for a social housing flat that was advertised, and fortunately, my application was accepted. The rent arrears from my previous flat were cleared, and the housing association has been supportive throughout the process.
Being relieved of the threat of homelessness and having a place to call home has allowed me to rebuild my relationships with my children. I now hope to spend more time with my grandchildren in the future. Once the Covid-19 restrictions ease, I am looking forward to getting involved in activities provided by local organizations and regaining a sense of normalcy in our lives.
